warning : the following is an office discourse carried out over email. it's long, and concentrated on what is not necessarily the most ennobling of topics. it also contains references to bits which are unique to males, so sensitive souls (i.e. members of my dysfunctional family), please skip this one. all headers have been removed, because editing them would take too much effort, and names have been changed. apart from that, this is verbatim.

a major drawback to working in an environment like the one i work in is that we are continually interrupted by stupid (and by stupid i mean stupid) requests for advice via telephone and email. these incessant distractions make it very difficult for us to engage in any truly constructive, intellectually-stimulating, professional discussions. still, cream does float to the top, however ocassionally.

quick introduction of the cast : initiator of this e-discussion is hermod from my previous entry, 'work hazards'. he is being re-casted as priapus, greek god of fertility, pursuant to his specific request -

priapus :

If you are blogging about me, you should portray me in a highly positive light. Choose a masculine and sexy name - certainly nothing related to fairies and such.
And you should also pay me for providing valuable information for your blog.

since the sight of priapus, in all his glory, might prove too much for the faint-hearted, you will have to click here to view a picture. not only is his new name sexy and exceedingly masculine, it also elevates him to the status of a (albeit, foreign) deity. priapus, you should pay me.

next participant is melvyn, or odin from 'work hazards'. his proposition in response to priapus' request :

Dick, being another name for the male organ, and a sex organ too, meets the requirements of "masculine" and "sexy". Therefore, may I suggest "Dickhead" ?

Prickhead would also do I suppose.

the third main participant is myself. i shall humbly refrain from my own apotheosis. the fourth colleague, who plays a supporting role, we can refer to as sleepy, after one of snow white's seven little companions.

priapus' original email ('the email') :

Does anyone of you think of getting a circumcision?

This is not a frivolous question.

I was reading some magazine in the library that states the advantages of getting cut.
(a) Better hygiene
(b) Better sex life
(c) Reduce pain due to tight foreskin and thus, leading to (b).

Apparently, there's different levels of getting cut, ranging from a low cut to a full cut.

this could get a little confusing, as there were two separate threads of conversation stemming from two separate replies to the email. i shall deal with them one at a time.

#1 - melvyn :

Now, this is a really weird question and immensely bloggable. (jr - over to you).

Well, I was nearly made to do one as a kid. But the policy then, as always, is that no one touches me there.

I seem to recall reading somewhere that doctors have recently reversed their opinion on the efficacy of circumcision. Apparently it confers little or no benefit and in fact, the foreskin serves to protect you from general infections (I think that means UTI, not VD).

One benefit I can think of in regard to circumcision is that you don't need to do it again (or at least you hope not to have to do it again, seeing how there might be very little foreskin left after the first snip) if you marry a Muslim lady. Plus, upon conversion, you can have up to 4 wives. Plus plus, if you convert and bomb the infidels to bits, you have up to 70 wives in Paradise. I'm sure at that time you will find looser foreskin immensely helpful.

#1 - myself :

>But the policy then, as always, is that no one touches me there.

I must say that your sex life cannot have been/be very stellar if you still embrace this policy.

#1 - melvyn :

Res Ipsa Loquitur - the facts speak for itself.

I've got Jed, which is more than what you can claim for yourself.

jed is his baby boy, an extremely cute and adorable specimen that obviously takes more after his mother than his father. of course, i haven't told melvyn that.

#1 - myself :

Three letters -

IVF.

#1 - melvyn :

Now that's defamation !

#1 - myself :

Merely pointing out a plausible factual matrix which could act as a rebuttal to your rather flimsy defence (pig-latin inclusive).

Reasonable doubt, my friend. What kind of colleague would I be if I didn't point a potentially fatal flaw in your case out to you?

end of thread #1, presumably as melvyn realised that he had been bettered by a superior in, well, everything. beginning of thread #2, which was bandied about concurrently with thread #1, also in reply to the email.


#2 - myself :

If you were a girl, I'd think you were hitting on us. Since we're all male, I'm just frightened.

But since you've asked for my opinion, I can reveal that I have two different pairs of sports shoes. One low cut, for jogging, and one pair of high cut shoes for basketball. The latter provides better stability and support as the sport requires vigorous movements, vertical and lateral. Our esteemed colleague, sleepy, has previously claimed that you can tell the size of a man's tool by looking at his shoe size. By reasonable extrapolation, I would postulate that there is a significant correlation between the foot and the tool. In which case, the moral of the story is that the selection of the cutting would have to be appropriate to the nature of the activities one engages in.

In short, the appropriate cut for you would hinge upon how exuberant and dynamic the manipulation of your tool typically is.

But before you take this monumental step, ask yourself honestly - do you really want a better sex life?

P.S. I have cc-ed this email to sleepy for a third party expert opinion.

#2 - sleepy :

Expert opinion? I'm 49 years old. I thank God that I still have a sex life.

#2 - priapus :

No good girl will ask you that sort of question. What sort of girls have you been hanging out with?

What's there to be frightened about - the article is there in our library! One man interviewed said that he felt a lot of pain during penetration and so went for the cut, and felt his sex life improve greatly after that. Although the recovery process (swelling, cannot pee for about 6 months, fragile stitching might burst etc) is a little troublesome.

#2 - myself :

Well, I can't help attracting all kinds. Of girls. And I would like to take this opportunity to point out that even fewer guys would ask a question like that.

And, since you're not yet married, may I suggest that your evident dissatisfaction with your sex life may be better rectified simply by changing partners. A far less dramatic undertaking than to chop bits off a very sensitive region.

#2 - melvyn :

Now, to find out about the debilitating effects of circumcision, you only need to turn to the book of Genesis in the Bible. Two of Jacob's sons, Simeon and Levi, decieved all the men in particular town / tribe into circumcising themselves so that the Chief's son could marry their sister (that Chief's son had raped her before this). And while the men were still in pain, and unable to bear arms, Simeon and Levi killed them all to avenge their sister's humiliation.