chimerical cogitations: hello panda

chi.mer.i.cal | 1. created by or as if by a wildly fanciful imagination; highly improbable 2. given to unrealistic fantasies; fanciful cog.i.ta.tions | 1. thoughtful considerations; meditations 2. serious thoughts, carefully considered reflections

hello panda

Published Thursday, September 21, 2006 by jr | E-mail this post

time only for a quick entry, but hopefully its oddity is not precluded by its brevity. facts are, as usual, wholly true and undiluted. given that i've just undergone a 5 hour long psycchological interview today, i've stayed in character and taken the liberty of psycho-analysing the various titillating aspects of the story, drawing conclusions as to the character and personality of the participants as and when appropriate.

story goes like this. chinese man irrationally decides that he wishes to see a panda. to that end, chinese man (a certain mr zhang xinyan) decides to go to the zoo. only problem is, the zoo is in beijing, and mr zhang does not live in beijing. manfully, mr zhang embarks on a 7 hour train ride to beijing, to visit the said beijing zoo. from this, we can conclude that mr zhang is mad.

mr zhang finds the train ride exhausting. upon reaching his destination, mr zhang decides to alleviate this exhaustion by drinking beer - four bottles, to be precise. mr zhang finds drinking beer exhausting also, and falls asleep. mr zhang awakes from his sleep, and proceeds to the panda enclosure. from this, we can see that mr zhang is a weak and weedy individual, and that seeks to flee from pressures of our material plane by taking solace in alcohol and slumber. such an attitude of escapism is not to be lauded.

once at this panda enclosure, mr zhang feels an overwhelming "sudden urge" to touch a panda with his hand (as opposed to his feet, presumably. thank the bbc for this bit of information that might have escaped a lesser news agency). mr zhang obviously suffers from some deviant fetish for large, furry, individuals. he is also internally conflicted, unable to decide whether he prefers blacks or whites. not being possessed of a firm set of priorities, mr zhang compromises and seeks physical release from individuals that are both black and white. a pathetic man.

mr zhang accordingly jumps into the panda enclosure. inside the panda enclosure, he reaches out to embrace the resident panda, a six-year-old male named gu gu. it would not be unreasonable for us to point to mr zhang's behaviour and draw the conclusion that he is, in addition to being sexually attracted to pandas, gay.

taken aback by mr zhang's sudden amorous advancements, gu gu reacts in the only way that a healthy, heterosexual male can possibly react when confronted by a drunken and ostensibly insane chinaman intent on hugging you - gu gu snarls viciously and bites the intruder first on one leg, and then the other. bold, brave, gu gu.

excited, mr zhang attempts to return the favour, but is unable to do so effectively. later, from his hospital bed with blood-soaked bandages over both legs, mr zhang whines, "i bit the panda on its back but its fur was too thick." the symbolism here is crystalline - mr zhang is impotent.

gu gu (pictured above) emerged unscathed from this incident. mr zhang lives to touch a panda another day, and has rightfully won worldwide fame as the crazy chinaman who tried to bite a panda. long live mr zhang.

full article and link to bbc in comments.